Dano (dnangel000) wrote,

The following comes from an e-mail I would've printed out sometime in mid-2000 or early 2001.
The author is Tania, the now ex-girlfriend of one of my closest friends. I'd add more context if I could remember it, but at this point the pages just speak for themselves.
Everything is as written, save for the acres of edits I've conducted in the process of transcribing these pages here.

Hi Dan,
Just felt like writing you an email. I mean it's the closest way of talking to you I suppose! So. How are you? Hope everything is giong better for you than it is for me.
For the next like ... 10-15 munutes (depending on how fast you read) just please bear with me ok. I'm just giong to write out how I feel and what's all going throug my mind right now.

When I first spoke to you about all this, I really didn't have the slightest clue on how to tell you, but yet I turned to you. I guess its the type of person you are and its the way you make me feel. I was going so mentally and emotionally crazy and I sear it was a miracle when you came online last night. I was almost o the verge of telling Adam like I said, but now that I think of it, thank god I didn't. The last thing that boy wants to hear about is my problems.

When I was at the concert, yelling and screaming, it was unbelievable. I had the kickass time of my life! The day and night couldn't have been any better. And to top it all off, even my mom was yelling and screaming for them! She even go tto touch Kevin' shand and AJ threw has can of silly string at me. You wouldn't believe how "happy" I was. Then in like a matter of an hour, my whole world comes crashing down on me, and I feel like I'm right at the bottom. Ouch!

I knew from the minute when that guy left that message on my answering machine that everything was over. Our perfect night was officially done. And as much as I tried to stop my mom from going to check on him, it still wasn't good enough. It's either I'm too weak or she's too strong. Now I'm going through the minutes feeling ... I don't even have a word to describe to you how I feel. Lost, lonely, and scared are just three.

I got not one hour of sleep last night cause I was so scared of what may happen with all the commotion after my dad was found. You see Dan, there's way more to my family life than you will ever know. Back a few years ago my dad was a very abusive man! Not the kind that would hit and send my mom or us to the hospital, but the type that put his force on us to prove his point, whether he may be mad at my mom or me and my brother. He used to hold my mom down and yell at her or like slap her across the face and grab her by the neck. I was the one who would have to pull him off her and scream and fight and through all of this, cry!

I felt so bad and sorry and I wished at times I could have taken the pain for her. Dan she didn't deserve this at all. No one does.

Then, as a year or two went by he changed, and wasn't abusive any more. And the fights between him and her became less and less. Sure, they argued a lot. But all it took was a little smile or something sweet to tmake everything all better. But now it seems that no smile as big as the world, or no amount of flowers or chocolates can fix this one.

This whole cheating, this between him and that lady have been going on for 6 years now like I have told you. My mom found out within the first three years. I don't really remember when, but she used to always be such a detective and like check his clothes and briefcase and shit. Then that lead to following him and so on. Before you knew it, she has also found out where she worked and come face to fae with her at times, and other times saw my dad picking her up. That was when I would have sleepless nights from all the terrifying screams and cries.

During the first few times of this my dad was still abusive so it wasn't all that good, either. I mean here he's the one doing all the wrong and he was letting it out on my mom! Who did not deserve this shit at all cause she did fucking absolutely nothing wrong but be a good mommy!

I remember back in Grade 5 when it got to the point where she would speak of divorce papers and stuff, and I told my Grade 5 teacher. And everyday I would speak to her in class and would obviously cry my heart out. She gave me this pamphlet thing with a kids help phone number on it and I made use of that about two or three times, max. After that I was surely scared that they would report it to the police and my life was over. It was very hard for me because my younger brother would come to me for answers to all his questions. Like, "Why is daddy doing this, isn't mommy the best?" And I swear, Dan, that is the one question I will never be able to get out of my head. I don't remember what my response was, but all I know is that to this day, I myself have a million and one questions to ask and no answers.

You can say, that after the first three years, he admitted to what he had done and well, my mom forgave him and things were "apparently" all better again. We were one happy family, or so I thought. It was me who later heard all his call sto her from my room and it was me who saw him sneaking out of the house at night and it was me who was listening to him tell her "I love you."
For the past three years I have kept it all a secret from my mom for we had our family back and that was how I wanted it to stay. For a whole three years I lived day by day hating my dad and not understanding why all this was happening.

I would have to lie to my mom endlessly protecting my dad from being caught. But it seems that just yesterday all what I had been trying to do to keep this family as one had just came to an end. Our perfect family that was once re-kindled was shattered again.

The words I heard my mom tell him and the names she called him and the answers he gave her broke my heart like never before. He said that he's going to maintain this "relationship" with her for as long as he wants and it will not stop. He said that he has feelings for her, and that will never end. He said that she's his wife (God, don't ask me how that's possible because I don't know) and he said that eventually he will settle down with her. My mom was saying so much stuff. She was like,

"You shall not be living a double life, it's either me or her. I will not be the one to tear this family apart, so if you want a divorce you wil have to bring me the divorce papers. How can you do this when you have two young children upstairs who did all they could to protect you? I am the good person here, and all I have been to this family is a good mother while you fuck around with some other bitch."

That's just some of it. Then what caught my attention and made me burst out in tears was when she asked him,

"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you with her?"
And he replied, as calmly as possible:
"For redemption."
(I do not understand themeaning behind all of this. Redemption?)
And she said,
"I want you to remember one thing, while you seek out your redemption with her a step higher, you are hurting this family and bringing us down one step lower!"
Oh my that made me cry so much.

There were so many words and things said between them I don't even have the courage to write it all, and I know you wouldn't care less either. Basically my family is being torn apart and it's all happeneing very soon and very fast. Today for the whole day, they did not utter a word to one another. With the exception of insults or derogatory comments. We went to church tonight and she was crying there too and that made my eyes water. I feel so bad, and when I try to talk to her she gets all mad and frustrated and walks away or tells me to leave. My dad, well... he'll talk to my brother and I here and there but the feeling I get when I talk to him is one of disgust. To look my dad in the face, the man who once used to push me and my brother on the swings and now is taking care of another lady and call her his wife and taking care of her three kids. Oh man! That leaves me pure speechless, I mean fuck!

She's a mature woman and has children, one daugher my age and a younger son who has a kid ... so TELL ME WHY IS SHE WITH MY DAD? She has ruined my entire family and has hurt my mommy so badly. She knows that he is married and has kids. For heaven's sake I sat in that lady's kitchen a couple years ago and played with her daughter, not aware of what was really happening. I can't believe any of this. It baffles the hell out of me!

I heard my mom telling my dad yesterdaywhen she went to her house at night ... that she was honking the horn loudly for no one was answering the door. Then she saw my dad sneak from one room to another, then later on she had to bang on the windows. He opened the door to her and that lady started yelling at my mom and told my mom, to her face,

"I love this man!"
My mom said that my dad had pushed her out of the house, and that was when she drove back home.
Today at dinner was the worst. We all sat at the table as usual but my mom only had cooked for herself , me and my brother and served only us. She hadn't made any food for my dad. My had had to make something small for himself. I felt so unbelivably guilty eating better food in front of him and I just couldn't do it. So, I left the table. And that was that. It kills me to see my family like that. Like we're being punished or something. I feel that my dad does not love us anymore, that's why he spends all his time there and not with me and my brother. I don't understand how any human can have the guts to do this whiile they are fully committed and married. I just don't get it.

And why my dad? My mom has already given him a second chance, but I know she doesn't believe in third chances. She locks him out of the house, she leaves all the washing of the dishes for me to do, if she has to communicate to him she'll do it through me. I can't take it anymore. I have school, it's hard, I have issues with my friends and I'm in a family that's driving me mental.

I don't know what the outcome is going to be. If anything at all I know my dad is leaving us soon and I'm trying to prepare myself for that. My mom only works part-time and it's going to be very hard. My dad will not support us anymore and everything will change! I will have to take responsibility like never before, which I don't see how I will do when I can't even handle myself. Hell I feel alone already and it seems that's only getting worse too.

What's scaring the shit out of me is that my mom and dad were talking and well she's saying al lthis stuff about revenge and what she'll do if she ever she's this lady once more. She wants to meeter her and find out what the hell is going on now. So my dad's takign her to her house either tomorrow or Monday and they will all talk face to face and holy shit! I am so damn scared of what will happen between them. If my dad will side with my mom, or with her? Well, I already know the answer to that, my dad said he would not support her at all if she wishes to go about things in this sort of manner). If he'll leaver her right then and there? Will mom and that lady break out in a fight? I'm a little frightened Dan. I don't want her to go at all. I know for a fact that out of them all my mom's voice will be the loudest one heard. I just can't even handle thinking of the idea of my mom, who did absolutely nothing wrong, have to sit face to face with the lady my dad has been with, with my dad next to her.

Ok well damn, I think I have written way too much now. What was I thinking when I said 10-15 minutes. It has probably been like 1-2 hours? Shit, sorry babe but I just had to let it all out. Before I conclude with the worst email I have had to write, I have to tell you one other thing off side. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart all of what you have done for me and for all the times you have been here for me. Dan, you mean more to me than anyone and anything. I feel like I want you with me at all times, and I only wish you were here right now. Please don't feel that I have overloaded you with all this, I don't expct you to have all the answers for me, no one does. I love you Dan and care for you with feelings that are overwhelming. There's something about you, something special and magical that makes me always turn to you. I know we haven't known one another for very long ... and even if so not deep, but with you, it's different. I feel so comfortable with you and wanted and loved. You make me feel better.

I want you to know that if anything at all Dan, I can promise you that I will be here for you and will do all I can to help you. Whether I may be the first person you turn to or the last, I'm still here for you ok. Make me your second half because I know that I want you to be mine. Even my best friend who I have known all my life doesn't know half of what you do now.
One more thing, Dan.
Don't think any less of me because of what I'm going through. I know my family does not make me look good. But that doesn't change who I am. I don't know what you're thinking now ... but I don't want you to think differently of me. That's all I ask ok Dan? Know me for who I am and not what I've been through.

That's all for now. Finally!
Thanks millions for taking the time to listen to me. I hope we can get together soon, I really need you right now. I just wish that everything would get all better for my family again and I can be happy. But as of now I know that it's not giong to get better, but what I do know is that when it comes to you I am so happy. Call me soon or whenever. I love you never doubt that.

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