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Nocturne Aeterna

[everything. constantly. temporary.]

2/12/17 04:21 pm - lifeguarding lessons

There are going to be times when you see someone in trouble. You're going to want to rush in there, and do whatever you can to save them.

But you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you can't save.

Because those people will thrash, and they will struggle.

And they will try to take you down with them.

2/12/17 01:42 pm - the new voice of choice

Sometimes you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

I don’t know what to tell you. I’m happy for the first time in my life, and I’m not going to feel bad about it.

It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, and even longer to see it doesn’t have to be that way.

Only after you give up everything can you find a way to be happy.

1/14/17 11:02 pm

From my Uncle Nick to my grandfather Andrew Anthony DaSilva,

Dear Dad,

It's hard to believe and accept that you are not in our life anymore.
God's angels came and took you away and we knew you would have to leave us, but we never wanted to see that day come. You were my dad, my friend and my teacher of life: I learned so much from you. No one has ever taught me more. All the happy times and memories that you and I shared will live on in my heart and soul for the rest of my life.


You taught me how to do a brake job on a 1964 Ford Custom. You taught me how to drive when I turned sixteen years old. I remember you sitting there beside me in the passenger seat of that old '64 Ford, and the very first time you let me drive on the 401. You even fought some of my battles for me, and helped me out in so many ways I'll never forget an always appreciate.

You accepted me unconditionally even before the day I was born.
You were there the day I came into this world, I was there the day you left our world. The day that you died I believe there is a piece of every one of us lost when you took your last breath.
I remember the one-on-one times we spent together driving around, delivering clothes on a Saturday in that old budget truck. I was just basically keeping you company all day and you would take me to the Red Barn for lunch. I used to keep you company when you used to do those side jobs for extra cash.
I wasn't much of a helper back then but you didn't seem to mind.


You took me to Guyana to experience the country of my birth, and took care of me while I was there with you in Pomeroon. In British Columbia I was we even went gold panning in an old white Chevy van that the two of us slept in each night. I remember I woke to the smell of you cooking curry and rice one night as we camped in the woods. We never found any gold but my time with you was always priceless.

Didn't really matter. We had our drinks together. Molson Golden beer, XM Rum and Bacardi. We would talk about anything and everything, and you were always full of advice. You fought some of my battles and stood up for me all the way. One night I fought one of yours when Kevin, Randy and I took you out drinking to the Running Pump. Started a bar room brawl when I dropped the bouncer at the door after I saw him strike you. So many happy memories run through my head when I close my eyes and think of you.

Dad, you were an amazing father to all four of your children. We all loved you too and I hope you knew that when it was your time to go. I will never stop missing you in my life as the days turn to years. I'll always remember the good times we shared when I wipe away my tears.

12/13/16 12:47 am - Moon Pisces-Moon Cancer

The two of you understand each other very well and you share many similar traits. You can have a very strong emotional rapport and attachment to one another, so much so that you communicate nonverbally or telepathically quite easily.

Both of you are highly receptive and sensitive to the emotional tone surrounding you. You have an intuitive awareness of others' inner feelings and needs, and are sympathetic almost to a fault. You absorb the moods of the people around you, and are prone to take on others' troubles or emotions, sometimes not even knowing what your own true feelings are and what you have picked up from someone else. It is important for both of you to have a peaceful home to retreat to (near a lake or other body of water, ideally). You need a place where you can withdraw and replenish yourselves, spiritually and emotionally, on a regular basis. You share a tendency to want to escape from the pressures of the world and modern day competition and stress. Meditation, listening to or creating music, or living close to nature are nurturing ways to do so. This is a dreamy combination, and your relationship is likely to be quite tender and thoughtful.

10/28/16 07:46 am

Her business card is made with thickened, almost lightly waxed stock, the paper pliable but unyielding, soft despite this stiffness on the back is perched a crimson-coloured sparrow, small inside the card which is plastered with a wallpaper of leaves on spindly, skeletal branches supporting the luxuriously coated flier, feathers dipped in wine, his eyes wide and searching out from the center of the card, the opposite front side on which sits the same bird, presumably, smaller now and pensively staring across the horizontal wire on which he stands.
The feathers appear to have taken on a psychedelic quality. Her name is Jane, she's a psychotherapist in training with a background in the dramatic and theatrical arts, she has a high voice with low volume and resmebles one of my college professors.
And she's my therapist.

8/30/16 08:55 am

"Those who distrust the life-giving force within them, or who have none, are driven to compensate through such substitutes as money. When a man has confidence in himself, when all he wants in the world is to live out his destiny in freedom and purity, he comes to regard all those vastly overestimated and far too costly possessions as mere accessories, pleasant perhaps to have and make use of, but never essential."

5/17/16 01:27 pm - Alexander Jodorowsky's 82 Poetical Pronouncements on Living

"To be strong in the great things, we must also be strong in the small ones."

1. Ground your attention on yourself. Be conscious at every moment of what you are thinking, sensing, feeling, desiring, and doing.
2. Always finish what you have begun.
3. Whatever you are doing, do it as well as possible.
4. Do not become attached to anything that can destroy you in the course of time.
5. Develop your generosity ‒ but secretly.
6. Treat everyone as if he or she was a close relative.
7. Organize what you have disorganized.
8. Learn to receive and give thanks for every gift.
9. Stop defining yourself.
10. Do not lie or steal, for you lie to yourself and steal from yourself.
11. Help your neighbor, but do not make him dependent.
12. Do not encourage others to imitate you.
13. Make work plans and accomplish them.
14. Do not take up too much space.
15. Make no useless movements or sounds.
16. If you lack faith, pretend to have it.
17. Do not allow yourself to be impressed by strong personalities.
18. Do not regard anyone or anything as your possession.
19. Share fairly.
20. Do not seduce.

21. Sleep and eat only as much as necessary.
22. Do not speak of your personal problems.
23. Do not express judgment or criticism when you are ignorant of most of the factors involved.
24. Do not establish useless friendships.
25. Do not follow fashions.
26. Do not sell yourself.
27. Respect contracts you have signed.
28. Be on time.
29. Never envy the luck or success of anyone.
30. Say no more than necessary.
31. Do not think of the profits your work will engender.
32. Never threaten anyone.
33. Keep your promises.
34. In any discussion, put yourself in the other person’s place.
35. Admit that someone else may be superior to you.
36. Do not eliminate, but transmute.
37. Conquer your fears, for each of them represents a camouflaged desire.
38. Help others to help themselves.
39. Conquer your aversions and come closer to those who inspire rejection in you.
40. Do not react to what others say about you, whether praise or blame.
41. Transform your pride into dignity.
42.Transform your anger into creativity.
43. Transform your greed into respect for beauty.
44.Transform your envy into admiration for the values of the other.
45. Transform your hate into charity.
46. Neither praise nor insult yourself.
47. Regard what does not belong to you as if it did belong to you.
48. Do not complain.
49. Develop your imagination.
50. Never give orders to gain the satisfaction of being obeyed.
51. Pay for services performed for you.
52. Do not proselytize your work or ideas.
53. Do not try to make others feel for you emotions such as pity, admiration, sympathy, or complicity.
54. Do not try to distinguish yourself by your appearance.
55. Never contradict; instead, be silent.
56. Do not contract debts; acquire and pay immediately.
57. If you offend someone, ask his or her pardon; if you have offended a person publicly, apologize publicly.
58. When you realize you have said something that is mistaken, do not persist in error through pride; instead, immediately retract it.
59. Never defend your old ideas simply because you are the one who expressed them.
60. Do not keep useless objects.
61. Do not adorn yourself with exotic ideas.
62. Do not have your photograph taken with famous people.
63. Justify yourself to no one, and keep your own counsel.
64. Never define yourself by what you possess.
65. Never speak of yourself without considering that you might change.
66. Accept that nothing belongs to you.
67. When someone asks your opinion about something or someone, speak only of his or her qualities.
68. When you become ill, regard your illness as your teacher, not as something to be hated.
69. Look directly, and do not hide yourself.
70. Do not forget your dead, but accord them a limited place and do not allow them to invade your life.
71. Wherever you live, always find a space that you devote to the sacred.
72. When you perform a service, make your effort inconspicuous.
73. If you decide to work to help others, do it with pleasure.
74. If you are hesitating between doing and not doing, take the risk of doing.
75. Do not try to be everything to your spouse; accept that there are things that you cannot give him or her but which others can.
76. When someone is speaking to an interested audience, do not contradict that person and steal his or her audience.
77. Live on money you have earned.
78. Never brag about amorous adventures.
79. Never glorify your weaknesses.
80. Never visit someone only to pass the time.
81. Obtain things in order to share them.
82. If you are meditating and a devil appears, make the devil meditate too.

2/17/16 12:29 am

The following comes from an e-mail I would've printed out sometime in mid-2000 or early 2001.
The author is Tania, the now ex-girlfriend of one of my closest friends. I'd add more context if I could remember it, but at this point the pages just speak for themselves.
Everything is as written, save for the acres of edits I've conducted in the process of transcribing these pages here.

Hi Dan,
Just felt like writing you an email. I mean it's the closest way of talking to you I suppose! So. How are you? Hope everything is giong better for you than it is for me.
For the next like ... 10-15 munutes (depending on how fast you read) just please bear with me ok. I'm just giong to write out how I feel and what's all going throug my mind right now.

When I first spoke to you about all this, I really didn't have the slightest clue on how to tell you, but yet I turned to you. I guess its the type of person you are and its the way you make me feel. I was going so mentally and emotionally crazy and I sear it was a miracle when you came online last night. I was almost o the verge of telling Adam like I said, but now that I think of it, thank god I didn't. The last thing that boy wants to hear about is my problems.


matrimony at an endCollapse )

breaking up is hard to doCollapse )

strange professionCollapse )



That's all for now. Finally!
Thanks millions for taking the time to listen to me. I hope we can get together soon, I really need you right now. I just wish that everything would get all better for my family again and I can be happy. But as of now I know that it's not giong to get better, but what I do know is that when it comes to you I am so happy. Call me soon or whenever. I love you never doubt that.
-Tania

11/4/15 10:55 pm - fave BSG scene

Gaius Baltar stands in his laboratory, smoking. He steps forward watching other passengers and members of the Fleet pass by in the corridors of the Battlestar Galactica. They pass slowly with deadened, flat expressions.

Baltar: There was an old footbridge ... over the Euclid River. Used to go there when I was a boy. Fish try and swim upstream. They're mesmerizing. I envied them. Unaware as they were of the wider complexities of life.

Standing in the doorway, the camera pans out to reveal Virtual Six leaning against the opposite side.

Virtual 6: You're beginning to see human beings as we see them.

Baltar: What I see are Cylon faces. Everywhere I look. Sharon told me there are eight Cylons left in the Fleet. Why didn't I ask her who they were? If that idiot hadn't have shot her. Why is it when things go wrong, they go wrong so well?

Virtual 6: Gaius. You get yourself far, far too worked up about these things.

Virtual 6 drapes coyly across Gaius' shoulders. He continues to watch the people walking past. Virtual 6 watches them, too.

Virtual 6: They do have it easy, don't they?

Baltar: They? Why are you talking to me like I'm not one of them?

Virtual 6, suddenly disinterested, saunters away.

Virtual 6: In some ways you never were. You have a path. You will be spared their fate. For once, Gaius, you can stop manipulating the world and let destiny take its course.

Virutal 6: If there's one thing we know about human beings with certainty: they are masters of self-destruction.

9/24/15 02:30 pm

It was not a direct road, and by no means could it be thought of as short. But it always led forward and throughout it's course there was no turning back.
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