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Nocturne Aeterna

[everything. constantly. temporary.]

10/28/16 07:46 am

Her business card is made with thickened, almost lightly waxed stock, the paper pliable but unyielding, soft despite this stiffness on the back is perched a crimson-coloured sparrow, small inside the card which is plastered with a wallpaper of leaves on spindly, skeletal branches supporting the luxuriously coated flier, feathers dipped in wine, his eyes wide and searching out from the center of the card, the opposite front side on which sits the same bird, presumably, smaller now and pensively staring across the horizontal wire on which he stands.
The feathers appear to have taken on a psychedelic quality. Her name is Jane, she's a psychotherapist in training with a background in the dramatic and theatrical arts, she has a high voice with low volume and resmebles one of my college professors.
And she's my therapist.

8/30/16 08:55 am

"Those who distrust the life-giving force within them, or who have none, are driven to compensate through such substitutes as money. When a man has confidence in himself, when all he wants in the world is to live out his destiny in freedom and purity, he comes to regard all those vastly overestimated and far too costly possessions as mere accessories, pleasant perhaps to have and make use of, but never essential."

5/17/16 01:27 pm - Alexander Jodorowsky's 82 Poetical Pronouncements on Living

"To be strong in the great things, we must also be strong in the small ones."

1. Ground your attention on yourself. Be conscious at every moment of what you are thinking, sensing, feeling, desiring, and doing.
2. Always finish what you have begun.
3. Whatever you are doing, do it as well as possible.
4. Do not become attached to anything that can destroy you in the course of time.
5. Develop your generosity ‒ but secretly.
6. Treat everyone as if he or she was a close relative.
7. Organize what you have disorganized.
8. Learn to receive and give thanks for every gift.
9. Stop defining yourself.
10. Do not lie or steal, for you lie to yourself and steal from yourself.
11. Help your neighbor, but do not make him dependent.
12. Do not encourage others to imitate you.
13. Make work plans and accomplish them.
14. Do not take up too much space.
15. Make no useless movements or sounds.
16. If you lack faith, pretend to have it.
17. Do not allow yourself to be impressed by strong personalities.
18. Do not regard anyone or anything as your possession.
19. Share fairly.
20. Do not seduce.

21. Sleep and eat only as much as necessary.
22. Do not speak of your personal problems.
23. Do not express judgment or criticism when you are ignorant of most of the factors involved.
24. Do not establish useless friendships.
25. Do not follow fashions.
26. Do not sell yourself.
27. Respect contracts you have signed.
28. Be on time.
29. Never envy the luck or success of anyone.
30. Say no more than necessary.
31. Do not think of the profits your work will engender.
32. Never threaten anyone.
33. Keep your promises.
34. In any discussion, put yourself in the other person’s place.
35. Admit that someone else may be superior to you.
36. Do not eliminate, but transmute.
37. Conquer your fears, for each of them represents a camouflaged desire.
38. Help others to help themselves.
39. Conquer your aversions and come closer to those who inspire rejection in you.
40. Do not react to what others say about you, whether praise or blame.
41. Transform your pride into dignity.
42.Transform your anger into creativity.
43. Transform your greed into respect for beauty.
44.Transform your envy into admiration for the values of the other.
45. Transform your hate into charity.
46. Neither praise nor insult yourself.
47. Regard what does not belong to you as if it did belong to you.
48. Do not complain.
49. Develop your imagination.
50. Never give orders to gain the satisfaction of being obeyed.
51. Pay for services performed for you.
52. Do not proselytize your work or ideas.
53. Do not try to make others feel for you emotions such as pity, admiration, sympathy, or complicity.
54. Do not try to distinguish yourself by your appearance.
55. Never contradict; instead, be silent.
56. Do not contract debts; acquire and pay immediately.
57. If you offend someone, ask his or her pardon; if you have offended a person publicly, apologize publicly.
58. When you realize you have said something that is mistaken, do not persist in error through pride; instead, immediately retract it.
59. Never defend your old ideas simply because you are the one who expressed them.
60. Do not keep useless objects.
61. Do not adorn yourself with exotic ideas.
62. Do not have your photograph taken with famous people.
63. Justify yourself to no one, and keep your own counsel.
64. Never define yourself by what you possess.
65. Never speak of yourself without considering that you might change.
66. Accept that nothing belongs to you.
67. When someone asks your opinion about something or someone, speak only of his or her qualities.
68. When you become ill, regard your illness as your teacher, not as something to be hated.
69. Look directly, and do not hide yourself.
70. Do not forget your dead, but accord them a limited place and do not allow them to invade your life.
71. Wherever you live, always find a space that you devote to the sacred.
72. When you perform a service, make your effort inconspicuous.
73. If you decide to work to help others, do it with pleasure.
74. If you are hesitating between doing and not doing, take the risk of doing.
75. Do not try to be everything to your spouse; accept that there are things that you cannot give him or her but which others can.
76. When someone is speaking to an interested audience, do not contradict that person and steal his or her audience.
77. Live on money you have earned.
78. Never brag about amorous adventures.
79. Never glorify your weaknesses.
80. Never visit someone only to pass the time.
81. Obtain things in order to share them.
82. If you are meditating and a devil appears, make the devil meditate too.

2/17/16 12:29 am

The following comes from an e-mail I would've printed out sometime in mid-2000 or early 2001.
The author is Tania, the now ex-girlfriend of one of my closest friends. I'd add more context if I could remember it, but at this point the pages just speak for themselves.
Everything is as written, save for the acres of edits I've conducted in the process of transcribing these pages here.

Hi Dan,
Just felt like writing you an email. I mean it's the closest way of talking to you I suppose! So. How are you? Hope everything is giong better for you than it is for me.
For the next like ... 10-15 munutes (depending on how fast you read) just please bear with me ok. I'm just giong to write out how I feel and what's all going throug my mind right now.

When I first spoke to you about all this, I really didn't have the slightest clue on how to tell you, but yet I turned to you. I guess its the type of person you are and its the way you make me feel. I was going so mentally and emotionally crazy and I sear it was a miracle when you came online last night. I was almost o the verge of telling Adam like I said, but now that I think of it, thank god I didn't. The last thing that boy wants to hear about is my problems.


matrimony at an endCollapse )

breaking up is hard to doCollapse )

strange professionCollapse )



That's all for now. Finally!
Thanks millions for taking the time to listen to me. I hope we can get together soon, I really need you right now. I just wish that everything would get all better for my family again and I can be happy. But as of now I know that it's not giong to get better, but what I do know is that when it comes to you I am so happy. Call me soon or whenever. I love you never doubt that.
-Tania

11/4/15 10:55 pm - fave BSG scene

Gaius Baltar stands in his laboratory, smoking. He steps forward watching other passengers and members of the Fleet pass by in the corridors of the Battlestar Galactica. They pass slowly with deadened, flat expressions.

Baltar: There was an old footbridge ... over the Euclid River. Used to go there when I was a boy. Fish try and swim upstream. They're mesmerizing. I envied them. Unaware as they were of the wider complexities of life.

Standing in the doorway, the camera pans out to reveal Virtual Six leaning against the opposite side.

Virtual 6: You're beginning to see human beings as we see them.

Baltar: What I see are Cylon faces. Everywhere I look. Sharon told me there are eight Cylons left in the Fleet. Why didn't I ask her who they were? If that idiot hadn't have shot her. Why is it when things go wrong, they go wrong so well?

Virtual 6: Gaius. You get yourself far, far too worked up about these things.

Virtual 6 drapes coyly across Gaius' shoulders. He continues to watch the people walking past. Virtual 6 watches them, too.

Virtual 6: They do have it easy, don't they?

Baltar: They? Why are you talking to me like I'm not one of them?

Virtual 6, suddenly disinterested, saunters away.

Virtual 6: In some ways you never were. You have a path. You will be spared their fate. For once, Gaius, you can stop manipulating the world and let destiny take its course.

Virutal 6: If there's one thing we know about human beings with certainty: they are masters of self-destruction.

9/24/15 02:30 pm

It was not a direct road, and by no means could it be thought of as short. But it always led forward and throughout it's course there was no turning back.

6/4/15 09:58 am

It really sucks, feeling like you've got no family.

11/21/14 12:49 am

There’s something different at work; it’s changed. There are more transplants from the North office, true, and the nepotism seems poised to exit the stratosphere, yes, but there’s another thing. It can’t easily be explained but it can be felt, the same way dust motes in the sunlight can be felt.

I’m pretty sure they call it ‘a change in the ether.’ Whatever that means. Or is it spelled ‘aether’?

And I’ll admit that I’ve been on autopilot lately. These days when I come into the office everything is so petrifying and plain. Everything is automatic from the moment I walk in, where
I hear my footsteps across the hardwood floor first thing in the morning before I’ve even made them;
creak of the staffroom door as I shoulder it open;
footsteps across the tile, hang coat, straighten tie, tuck in shirt;
fip-fip of case sheets as I find my assigned room and equipment number;
hear a case.
Go home.

Cases are still different. You’ve had an interesting past week that proves it. It doesn’t matter if you think they’re the same; every accident occurs a physically different way. Their suffering is exquisitely unique. And fundamentally, so is the way that they lie.

What else can you expect when everybody just rhymes off the same damn things? “I have a headache everyday at 4pm” and “I can’t sit stand walk run climb stairs lift push pull or move weight without pain so I can’t work”? It jades you.

Listen to yourself. The job is listening to others complain in vast detail: that’s all. You know for all the fancy accoutrements that comes with it the firm is still, above all, another job.

It isn’t just another job; it’s the best job, or at least the best I’ve had yet. Everything is perfect, the people are beautiful and amazing. And they like me. They do. I feel like I’m in this whole other pocket of space and time, full of intelligent, inspiring men and women that I have unlimited access to in a formal yet informal setting. The food is delicious. The brains are ripe for the picking! For now I’ve landed amongst the good graces of the Directors’ extended families, and the Directors’ themselves love me. There all these super hot women around. And now something’s changed and I don’t know what it is. Have I fallen from grace? The Directors, do they abhor me? The food is still tasty, the lawyers still free to chat, the women still hot! WHAT IS DIFFERENT?

Listen. To. Yourself.

Well I’m not going to just listen to you, if that’s what you mean.

You have to focus. I’ll put it to you now that there are two reasonable, obvious and highly rational ways of examining this sensation you’re experiencing. First of all, if none of these things have changed, and you’re still being assigned cases 5 days a week including higher profile ones — don’t question it. Just focus on your work: keep delivering quality work and they’ll have every reason to keep you.

Even if I’m a spiky-headed stretched-ear weirdo?

Even if we’re a spiky-headed stretched-ear weirdo.

I’ve really got to get rid of those.

In due course. Secondly, perhaps there isn't so much a change at work as a change of your place within it. You have to get out of this heliocentric attitude, the office isn't a place for you to feel like you're being dealt some kind of grave injustice. You're not Edmond Dantes, you've just been given a lot more responsibility. That's all.

Monsieur Morrel was about to award Edmond his own ship when his closest friends betrayed him.

Yes. Captain Leclère and Noirtier de Villefort hadn't meant to but they both played roles in Dantes' downfall. You have got to calm yourself down. No one is going to betray you. If you lose your shit now just because you got “bored” again you’ll put the whole damn plan at risk; don’t argue, because I’m right. It’s a job, so treat it like one. You wouldn’t curse aloud at a job you had respect and appreciation for. You wouldn’t openly engage in dissent against the government to colleagues you liked. You wouldn’t come to work high …

Well. I might.

Then don't expect to get away with it for long. You have a job. You LIKE that job. So smarten up! It’s a shit-ton more than some people can ask for. You know, like people that you know, that you care about? Your brother, maybe? And plenty other well-meaning, smart people that are capable and could succeed if only they had reign to practice what they were most passionate about?

They’re hungry.

Yes and so are you, so go on. Eat that apple.

So many transplants from the north office. Can’t tell which of them … they most certainly were brought in by that girl, E. She’s responsible. I heard she got into a fight with the Director’s pregnant daughter’s husband, you know the kitchen guy, and that’s what she’s here in the south. It’s like they couldn’t get rid of her or something so they sent her someplace else. A timeout.

You couldn’t possibly find her attractive.

Could make a guy nervous though, not knowing their skill level, quietly assessing their game, checking up on their connections, you know, tracing their involvement with the company back by who it was that got them in. I feel lucky enough that my link comes from an original source. New hires come few and far between unless referred by an employee with seniority or a familial connection. So either you’re a Hired Original (HO) with true seniority accumulated at the very beginning, or you’re a Biologically Referred Occupant (BRO) with no seniority at all but the blood in your veins (evidently thicker than experience and time spent on the job). I am neither, since Kat got me in front of my manager, and there are precious few of like us, except most of them were actually just HOs. I think that makes me pretty awesome in that respect. But still, not termination-proof …

The apple. You’re letting it turn brown.

Right. The oxygen is getting to it. The apple is the job, and by achieving in 3 months in what all new hires must complete in 12, I took the first huge, ravenous bite out of it. And now my jaw is tired. The fruit's gone soft and I’m rapidly losing interest in a second bite.

So find a new apple. There’s jobs out there for you, right?
You know things. You can do them.


Yeah …

Know what I’m thinking?

Tiny cactus?

Tiny Cactus.

12/20/13 03:28 pm

It's a Barnum and Bailey world,
just as phony as it can be,
But it wouldn't be make-believe
if you believed in me

12/10/13 09:44 pm

You're only a generous, honourable, well-meaning & selfless individual right up until the time comes that you have to make a decision that benefits yourself.
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